Coffee Jokes

 

November 24

Coffee Jokes For The Coffee Lovers Out There :)

 

 

72 Ways to know if you drink too much coffee...

1. You answer the door before people knock. 

2. The only kitchen appliances you own are made by Mr. Coffee.

3. You ski uphill.

4. You get a tax cut for all the coffee you bought.

5. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

6. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

7. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

8. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

9. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

10. You sleep with your eyes open.

11. When you open your dish cabinet, and there is only mugs.

12. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

13. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

14. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

15. You lick your coffeepot clean.

16. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

17. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

18. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

19. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

20. Your coffee cake, must have coffee in it. 

21. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

22. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

23. You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.

24. The only gift you get for Valentines Day you get chocolate covered beans.

25. You can jump-start your car without cables.

26. All your kids are named "Joe".

27. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

28. You don't sweat, you percolate.

29. You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.

30. You've worn out the handle on your favourite mug.

31. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

32. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

33. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

34. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

35. Every shirt or blouse you own has a coffee stain on it.

36. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

37. People get dizzy just watching you.

38. You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

39. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

40. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

41. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio and people test their batteries in your ears.

42. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

43. Instant coffee takes too long.

44. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

45. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

46. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

47. Your hand is permanently shaped to hold your mug.

48. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

49. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

50. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

51. You get drunk just so you can sober up.

52. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

53. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

54. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

55. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

56. You can jump to the moon.

57. You short out motion detectors.

58. You have a conniption over spilled milk.

59. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

60. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

61. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

62. You don't tan, you roast.

63. You don't get mad, you get steamed.

64. Your three favourite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.

65. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

66. You can't even remember your second cup.

67. You help your dog chase its tail.

68. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

69. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

70. You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.

71. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

72. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hook-up.

Coffee Jokes From The Internet.

Photo by Dianne © dsphotocats

Hope you all have a great weekend

xx's Dianne :)

A Mother

 

A Mother

 

After 17 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to
take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She
said, 'I love you, but I know this other woman loves
you and would love to spend some time with you.'
* * *
The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit
was my MOTHER, who has been alone for 20 years,
but the demands of my work and my two boys had
made it possible to visit her only occasionally.
* * *
That night I called to invite her to go out for
dinner and a movie.
* * *
'What's wrong, aren't you well,' she asked?
* * *
My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a
late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign
of bad news.
* * *
'I thought it would be pleasant to spend some
time with you,' I responded. 'Just the two of us.'
She thought about it for a moment, and then said,
'I would like that very much.'
* * *
That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick
her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her
house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous
about our date. She waited in the door. She had
curled her hair and was wearing the
dress that she had worn to celebrate her last
Birthday on November 19th.
* * *
She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an
Angel's. 'I told my friends that I was going to go
out with my son, and they were impressed,' she said,
as she got into that new white van. 'They can't
wait to hear about our date'.
* * *
We went to a restaurant that, although not
elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my
arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat
down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only
read large print. Half way through the entries, I
lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at
me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. 'It was I
who used to have to read the menu when you were
small,' she said. 'Then it's time that you relax and
let me return the favour,' I responded.
* * *
During the dinner, we had an agreeable
conversation- -nothing extraordinary but catching up
on recent events of each other's life. We talked so
much that we missed the movie.
* * *
As we arrived at her house later, she said,
'I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me
invite you.' I agreed.
* * *
'How was your dinner date ?'
asked my wife when I got home.
'Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,'
I  answered.
* * *
A few days later, my mother died of a massive
heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't
have a chance to do anything for her.
* * *
Some time later, I received an envelope with a
copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place
mother and I had dined. An attached note said: 'I
paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I
could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two
plates - one for you and the other for your wife.
You will never know what that night meant for me.
I love you, son.'
* * *
At that moment, I understood the importance of
saying in time: 'I LOVE YOU' and to give our loved
ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is
more important than your family. Give them the time
they deserve, because these things cannot be put off
till 'some other time.'
* * *

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back
to normal after you've had a baby.... somebody
doesn't know that once you're a mother,
'normal' is  history.
* * *
Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by
instinct .. somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
* * *
Somebody said being a mother is boring .......
somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager
with a driver's permit.
Somebody said if you're a 'good' mother,
your child will 'turn out good'....
somebody thinks a child comes with
directions and a guarantee.
* * *
Somebody said you don't need an education to be a
mother.... somebody never helped a fourth grader
with his math.
* * *
Somebody said you can't love the second child as
much as you love the first .... somebody doesn't
have two children.
* * *
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother
is labour and delivery....
somebody never watched her 'baby' get on the bus
for the first day of  kindergarten ...
or on a plane headed for military 'boot camp.'
* * *
Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her
child gets married....somebody doesn't know that
marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a
mother's heartstrings.
* * *
Somebody said a mother's job is done when
her last child leaves home....
somebody never had grandchildren.
* * *
Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so
you don't need to tell her....
somebody isn't a mother.

A friend sent this too me and it touched my heart and I wanted to share it with you all.

My heart goes out to all who have lost a parent or both and I am sorry if this causes you pain. This is a very sad and lonely time of the year for so many who have lost loved ones. I have lost two brothers and miss them very much. My mom and dad are still with us. Steve has lost both his mom and dad.

Lets not take our families for granted. Tell someone close to you that you love them and how special they are. Spend time with them for we know not what tomorrow may bring.

Love and Hugs to you my friends, Dianne:)